Updated: Nov 5, 2019
As you may have read, (hopefully in my other blogs ) that I didn't get my daughter easily, in fact there is a whole back story to my daughter, a short version is 15 years of unhappily married to a man who used me, to freeing myself and re-falling in love ( we dated many years ago ) with a wonderful man who infused me ! The symbol of that union was our daughter, who was expensive even before she was born. Think sterile room and stirrups. To finally after 25 years of looking after and bonding with other peoples children I was having my own. But as stated she was popped in unconventionally , although now acceptable to talk about theses days and then popped out unintentionally and also acceptably these days ( c section). You can see I felt a little robbed of these markers of motherhood. So I was going to breast feed if it killed me, not literally but I was determined. You see the breast is best isn't ( just) for my daughter, it was a selfish want and need in me.
We had a rough start, with her being forcefully early my milk wasn't in, then she could not latch, then after countless checks that I insisted upon, (mummy's instinct) it was found she was tongue tied, at the back of her tongue, one quick and I hope painless snip later and we seem to be getting some where , although she is flipping between o natural and the nipple shields ( intermediate between me and the bottle ) she is on and milk is flowing.
It means as I bond with her only I can feed her, yes I am aware be careful what I wish for at 3 am ! But I need this, there is a reason in my motherhood journey that they say a new mum should spend 40 days and nights sole with her baby. I was and at moment am still having trouble connecting with her, she is so dam cute everyone wants a hold and I am possessive, I have three older children I inherited, who all want a look in. It's a balancing act, and a very personal journey. So I am determined to have at least one of the markers of motherhood that are the check list in my head crossed off. I didn't get the conception or the birth, so I am dam well getting the bonding. Thats what I feel we all need to do , have our checklist and fight for it. So many new mums get pushed from pillar to post with our choices , if it's not professionals , it can be well meaning relatives or parents who feel their wisdom is helpful to the lady on the street who gives us that disapproving glance ! Esp when it comes to feeding our child, people all have opinions , from oh your bottle feeding to oh your breast feeding . There is NO right way, but it seems plenty of wrong ways.
We do get a rough deal, and so many insecurities to deal with, I am hoping that airing mine at the moment will help others to recognise their own, that we are allowed to have a bee in our bonnet, to have things how we want, to be selfish. It is our bodies that have gone through this. Our emotions that we can't control. Our hearts that need looking after because it us that at the end of the day and soon to be all through the day are going to be looking after this baby. Relatives go home, visitors and well wishers come less frequently and Dads unfortunately have to go back to work. We don't get this precious time back , they grown up so fast , so as I am doing and should have done sooner embracing my wants and needs. A happy mum leads to a happy bubs. So I am getting happy ! ( sorry not sorry )!