Updated: Nov 6, 2019
So I saw in 3.50 am this morning. And as I rocked a very frustrated wee one in the milky light of a street lamp in another street, I wrote this blog in my head. She had woken , got pissed off she was awake and proceeded to have a full on tantrum in her cot at this fact. Nothing and I mean nothing was swaying her from venting her frustrations. It was hard to watch, and loud. I could do nothing , she did not want to be held, touched, given a drink , of water or me, a dummy, a muslin. She was writhing around kicking out and thrashing the sleep bag. And I had to let it happen, we just waited. It lasted what seemed like forever, probably five minutes and then she allowed me to pick her up and she settled in my arms. She did not sleep, no not that lucky, she was now awake and accepting visitors. So I took her in to her room, ( no I have not moved her , I am not ready although at 4.20 am as I sat rocking her I was considering it ) and we sat. Of course I was just in thin Pj's , no slippers and her in her sleep bag so you can guess who got cold first. I grabbed a blanket and tried as best I could to cover all extremities, hers and mine. That's when it occurred to me the mid- night massive. Or masses were probably up too.
We Mums function at times on less sleep than torture victims do, getting woke every hour but not on the hour but randomly with loud noises and you are bolt upright and wake. Ive watched too many American tv solider programs and liken it to trying to get information out of a prisoner on them. I will tell them anything I promise. It's almost like Chucky in The Goonies ( showing my age ) when he starts with stealing sweets from the corner store when all they want to know is where his friends are. But the other thing that occurred to me , apart from that I would really like us both to be asleep right now. I say both because when she is up I am up day or night. The invisible cord that still attaches us is very much working. I won't be able to sleep if she is restless. Im a Mum , she's up Im up. Is that sleeping aside, I wouldn't want to be anywhere else right now.
I sat in the half lit room with her head upon my chest, but her eyes wide open, she knew she should really be sleeping too. Just taking in the moment, feeling her hair and warm head against my chin, her breath on my skin, her little fingers holding my hand. And I knew to take a mental snap shot or video really, to remember this moment. She will never be this small again, yes there will be other nights, ( pro and cons to that) that I will get to hold her like this again , but eventually one night will be the last and she will be bigger, older, and not need me in that way. Im hoping about 18 ?
It occurred to me , one day everything will be the last , the last story read to her, and she reads herself. The last bath time before Im told to get out. The last rocking chair moment as we both won't fit. For me the last breast feed is approaching, I am acutely aware of things falling away. So even though I am up at four fucks sake am this morning ! I relish it, acknowledge it and bank it. I know some of you are very sleep deprived and this is a nightly occurrence and you might have lost your enjoyment factor in it. But I want you to take it in at least once as a wonderful moment . That it will stop soon ( never too soon for some ) and the next set of markers will come up. Thats the other thing of motherhood, you just get over through one set of hurdles or a challenge and a whole new set present themselves. Waking in the night and rocking to sleep becomes can't get them to stay in bed and then as a Mum of teenagers, can't get them out of bed !!
Even though we are in separate houses , rooms and Pj's I salute the Mid-night Mums (and Dads) of this world, who diligently get up every time, pace the floor for as long as it takes, rocks and jiggles till their arms want to fall off and freeze ( me this morning ) all in the name of Love. You are doing a good job, You got this and it will pass, just don't forget to remember these moment x