Take Two.... part one

I feel, who are we kidding , I know, that this will be a many part blog as I go through this journey. A few months back I wrote about being happy with what I have got, and don't get me wrong I am so happy with who the universe gave me , in so many way. I will touch on that later. But my clock started ticking again. You see my wee one was hard fought and won. 20 years of hopes and dreams, drama, divorce and delay. Well actually it went delay, drama and ended in divorce ! So had to find right person late in the game. I had to be a mum later in the game than most. I had to get help, paid for help to do this, this late in the game. My wee one is IVF. I do feel funny about introducing science in to the process but nature needed a hand. And I was happy with outcome. She is perfect.

So much so I even wrote that I was happy with one and promptly gave her clothes away. Until I wasn't. But that thought has lead me to all sorts of internal turmoil that I never counted on. Feck me, having babies is nasty on the poor soul and heart. Forget the head and pocket/wallet. When I wanted just one baby , and did everything I could to achieve that. It was the sole focus of my life. I was so desperate but now thinking of two sends me into palpitations. And they are not even conceived yet, let alone born.

You see like every new Mum, Im obsessed. Obsessed with my baby who is now a toddler. Total infatuated. If you could not pick that up from any other blogs ! I love everything about her, every smile, cry, fart you name it, I love it. Guess maybe because of delayed motherhood its more intense for me. And maybe thats why I feel like Im cheating her or cheating on her wanting and maybe even having another. I don't want her to feel like she's not enough. To divide my time between the two. Be too busy for her. Im replacing her in some way. Maybe I am , I loved the baby stage so much. But on the flip side, she is getting more and more independent of me and its me chasing her around for attention. She enjoys playing with others that a buddy of either sex would be good for her/ both of them. She is very loving and maternal even at a young age. All her toys get a kiss etc and she would respond to having a wee ( er ) one to be thick as thieves with . Like me and my sister. We are so close, I want that for her.

But IVF is nasty on the body and soul. Its not like you get drunk with hubby and try each month. Its tests and pills, scans and embryos that may or may not make it. Im lucky I had lots of eggs to take out , just munted tubes that could not deliver them to womb. Its defrosting two at a time and maybe ending up with twins. Or it not taking at all. Its telling yourself , its ok when its not. Feeling useless and at the mercy of total strangers in white coats. It takes a toll on you as well as you bank balance. Its not having sex to have a baby. Go figure ! But it is worth it!

I have a friend who helped me inadvertently feel better about it all , she had a unexpected son. Not planned and not sure if she wanted but as he reached his first birthday she said she had written in his card that he is the prefect unexpected addition in the family. He was the gift she never knew she needed or wanted and now can't live with out. So here I am worrying about someone who will fill a void I didn't know I had. Who will enrich my life far beyond my wildest dreams. Who will be the best little sister or brother and make my wee one the best older sister in our world. I know this is all in my head. The things that are holding me back are irrelevant. I am already old! I am already tired ! Its just 9 months of hell ! And its just money !

You heart just gets bigger, you adapt, you rejoice and you find space and time for everyone. Its just 9 months and then they are with you like they were part of your life all along. Im just not looking forward to the pregnancy bit. Spewsville not again please. I will keep you posted on progress. Right now Im at just getting regular again and fighting fit inside and out.

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