Updated: Nov 5, 2019
It dawned on me the other day , and with a baby , a lot doesn't as I'm in a fog of baby brain and lack of sleep ins. That when she was born , three people were made. Her obviously , a whole new person, (individual name, birth date, finger prints, iris's etc ) Completely new beginnings , clean slate , no mistakes, every thing new and wonderful to learn and experience. But also myself as a Mother, I get a new name, and I keep calling myself it , like a third person , as in the third person. And Im not sure if I have to stop ? This all came about as wee on was pulling my hair and I said , stop pulling Mummy's hair, you are hurting Mummy . We all do it , why did I not say you are hurting me, stop pulling my hair. I guess because I was teaching her my new name and to identify the hair with me. It was strange. I realised that I too had a clean slate , new beginnings and new experiences and things to learn, no mistakes ( yet ) that this little one trusted in me to steer her right. That I was able to be a new person.
It also dawned on me that it wasn't just me as a Mum made that day, but a Dad, another new person as such, her father. Both him and I have new identities, new jobs. We are her parents and have responsibility for this new little person. At the start completely, then as time goes by they start to take control of their own lives and eventually we just watch in hope that we did ok. Along with having my wee one I also married her father recently, I know we are doing things arse about face but there it is . So I also became a new person then too , there is no one else with my name, birth date finger prints and iris , etc. So I became a third person in the third person as such. A wife. That person too had everything ahead of her, shoot doing it again, everything ahead of me. New life, new opportunities etc. New name, new identity. All these labels that mean so much and not much really when it comes down to it. They are just names we identify with.
But we can get lost in the labels I have found. As I was saying above , don't pull mummy's hair, am I only that. I am her mummy and only seen as that from now on. Wife and Mother, do I previously cease to exists ? I am not afraid of losing myself in to Motherhood. Although I admit as she was so hard fought and won that I am adopting the attachment parent way of doing things, I just can't get enough of her right now. It does become all encompassing, your whole life is for your kids and the we sometimes forget that , to be a great Mum , you have to be a great person and that means looking after yourself, first sometimes . ( put on own oxygen mask before helping others ) But I feel , I have become the person I am supposed to , be be better ,and brighter in my smile and my soul for her because of her. In become this new person this new label I have purpose and experience and knowledge to pass on. For me becoming a Mum , has validated me. I revel in my new identity, I know who I am, past and present and future. I think we all have to do that , sit back and take from our past the good, learn from the bad and pass on to our kids the best of us.
It was very surreal and existential.
It also took me to another place in my head where the question , what is Mother , who is Mother? And it was my teenagers Mother who answered it when she moved away, she said Im your Mother, (to the boys not me that would take it to a far weirder place), and Cee is your Mum. And there is a difference in that too. Every woman who gives birth is a Mother , but some of us become Mums too, some do not. Yes, it is taking a darker turn but I am exploring it all here. To give you back ground , I have a Mother ( birth ) and a Step Mum. I am also a Mum to four kids but only gave birth to one, essentially making me the Step Mum. So am I any less Mum to them and more `Mother and Mum to her? Are adoption parents any less of Mothers/Mums to their children, foster, egg donation ? None of these kids are biological and only in one instance has the mother passed through the marker of giving birth , does this make them , her any less of that Childs Mother or Mum ?
What makes you a Mum , I feel and the boys Mother said it , is that I am loving them , raising them , doing all the dirty work, and thats not just three teenage boys laundry ! She is not. But I also was a nanny for 25 years to many children , being more of a Mum to them, more than theirs at times. But I had to give them back and sometimes at a months notice , having bonded with them completely. To never seeing them again. I raised them, loved them, cared for them and have less access than a divorced parent who hadn't really had much to do with their lives at the end of the day. But I did not pay for them , so does that make you a Mum? I invested in them in every other way but the difference was in a matter of fact way I was paid too, not paying too. They're just a job ? I am aware I am not my charges Mum ( not a stalker of my kids in the job ) But just looking at the angles, loved them , check, wiped noses and bottoms check, looked after when sick check, fed them , clothed them etc ( but on someone else's dime ) so NO I wasn't their Mum, but I am to my kids, all of them , brothers from another Mother.
So back to my new identity , that came all at once, I moved in to the family home and started being a Mum 3 months pregnant, I went from no kids to 3 then 4 in a space of months. I had a crash course of being the Nanny and Mum like person, to deep end full on 24/7 Mum. It has taken me a while to get my head around it. I used to call my kids from work , 'my kids', I was that connected to them, to now, having to disentangle my emotions and attachments to them ( still attached I did raise them for over 15 years, but they have parents of their own ) to laying them on, my attachments and emotions, to three boys who by her own admission did not have a Mum.
This whole new unit that now exists gets me excited, not to shed my old life like a second skin ( who doesn't want to forget some of the things we have done in a past life )! But that we all of us have a new lease of life, that I get to be a Mum, I get to grow with her, I get to teach her and guide her to find her way and hopefully help her to not make the same mistakes I did ( in that past life ). That her Dad and I in becoming parents ( again for him ) together get to guide the older ones in to adult life, I feel I can give them a different perspective, a female touch to the family. It is bigger than ourselves and less at the same time. We have a huge role in life and at the same time that our lives don't matter when it comes to them as we give it all over.
I believe it is the child that makes the Mum, (Childbirth the Mother ) and if you invest in them in every way then thats what makes you Mum. ............. And Im loving it. ....... I get to keep these ones !!